Things started just “coming” to me yesterday….
In light of this and how people think that I am naturally sensual – even had an old neighbor say this:
I’m not.
The more I look back on my youth, I remember my true personality.
I was always controlling and boastful – and can get downright envious!
My parents have a VHS tape of me showing off my award in taekwondo, trying to upstage my brother Kerry, who got the biggest trophy. I kept trying to hog the camera and push him out. In another instance I got insanely jealous when a white girl named Amanda Greer won it.
That brings me to another thing, I have never cared for female girl shit! When my mom gave me a choice between karate and gymnastics I took karate cause I saw it as more masculine. One time when a taekwondo instructor paired me with a white girl to determine who is the prettiest, he picked her and I just shrugged my shoulders like “I didn’t care” and I remember thinking at the time that, as young as I was (I was 8) I’d rather be a motherfucker and feared then to be liked. My brother Kristen gets along with everybody. I don’t.
I know most folks are stupid – esp. dudes who try to approach me – and I violently run them away, sadistically, cause I get pleasure out of wounding their ego, their soul to scar them from talking to anybody else….
I see it as how dare you desire the pleasure of my company when I am superior to you and you are beneath me.
Also, let’s talk about sex. At a young age I had a tendency to set up my barbie dolls and have them act as fairies and rape em because they were smaller than me. And that is if I wanted them (I threw a tantrum when an uncle brought me one cause I hated em cause they are “girls stuff”).
I was a big fan of violent fighting games and valued brawn, strenght and ruthless intelligence to dominate. It seems that is how I get along in the world.
From kindergarten to high school I had a tendency to cry on the first day of class, ostensibly cause I wanted to go home but also because I wanted to “make my mark” and I despised uncertainty. So I’d establish my mark by doing shit to get the teacher in trouble to “train em” so they won’t fuck with me for being different. It was all about making them know who I am so they will respect me.
Now here is the biggest one:
Ever since I was a little kid that, for long as I can remember, there is this “darkness” – it is a ruthless evil – that lives in me. It’s this “darkness” that caused me to do what I did to the barbie dolls. It is something would just “take over” if my consciousness strayed to far to the “right”. I don’t think it has anything to do with any trauma, etc. cause when I went into a trance to see what it is and where it came from utilizing the third eye I saw this black demonic face with eyes and nose coming from smoke and a lil Egyptian princess – perhaps me – carrying tablets made on stone of Egyptian glyphs. It explains why there is a part of me that likes chaos and confusion and to stir up shit!
I recall a hispanic young lady seeing it while I was doing spiritual work to release it and she said “there is something evil in her car.”
The first time I tried to do spiritual work to release it I “saw” via my third eye black smoke along with etheric roaches and I smelled shit and sulfur. Interestingly enough I once saw a reptilian coming out of a black pit similar to what I saw.
Another thing: I always liked war. Even before high school I would cut up my mardi gras beads and divide em up into different countries and have em fight cause I liked to see the social, racial (mixing via rape and conquering) and geographical changes thru it.
I idolized Adolf Hitler, wanting to be like him, have folks march to me, much to where I fantasized and tried to develop a salute with how people would greet me when I used to dream of ruling the world as a kid:
Also, like Hitler, I look down on human relationships or any relationships between people. I recall wanting to kill some people in a wheelbarrow (I think they are ghost cause the wheelbarrow was moving on it’s own) who were kissing when I was 5 while at Audubon Park on a school field trip. Just like Hitler – damn, the similarities – I feel no one is worthy and everybody is beneath me and just here to do my bidding.
Yep, this all makes sense….
Also, 777 appears in terms of word count…..
777 resonates with the spirit realm in numerology. This means destiny!